Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thankful but...

...a little less joyful than I'd like.  A little blue in fact.

Maybe it's a case of post holiday let down.

Maybe I am already starting to dread Monday morning when I have to leave my kiddos in bed and head out to work before the sun comes up.  I miss them so much on Mondays.

Maybe when I'm on vacation I have too much time on my hands to ruminate.

Maybe I'm just being a little whiny.  OK, yes, I am being whiny.  So here goes.

When you are in the process of an adoption it is pretty much all you think about.  You spend enormous amounts of time deciding whether you are even going to go through with it or not.  Then once you've made the decision you spend enormous amounts of time thinking about it while you wait and wait and wait.  And even though you know the wait is going to be long and you should just stop thinking about it because it is mostly out of your hands, you just think and think and think.

So this week I've been thinking a lot about the twins that we are not bringing home.  Are they safe?  Are they getting enough to eat?  Do they have malaria?  Did they get the matching dresses I sent for them?  Will they ever know that for one month when they were not even a year old, I was their mommy?  Will they ever know that a family half a world away prays for them every night?

I still have their pictures in a folder on my computer desktop.  I haven't looked at them since we found out they weren't going to be ours, but I can't bring myself to delete them either.

I have also been thinking almost non-stop about getting new referrals.  When will they come?  When will we get the call?  Why is it taking so long?  There are millions of orphans waiting for homes, why does this ridiculous process have to take so long.  In the time since we lost the twins referral some dear friends of our got a referral.  I am so happy for them, but so jealous at the same time.  They have a picture to stare at each night before bed.  I'm ready for some new pictures.

And even though we don't have that picture, it could come at any moment, so we have been continuing to keep pushing full steam ahead with our fundraising.  Fundraising, for the record, is not fun.  It's stressful, humbling, embarrassing.  It's like being a telemarketer (yes, I had that job one summer in college).  I know there are people out there who think it is wrong to fundraise for adoptions--if you can't pay for it then you shouldn't do it.  Some of those people are probably related to me.  I'm sure all of you are sick and tired of hearing about my t-shirts, and blankets and all the other random stuff in my store.  I'm sick of posting about it.  But just today someone said I need to post it more often because she had a hard time finding the link, so here it is one more time.

Just click that link and it will take you to the MORE LOVE store.  I do have to say that I have been pretty overwhelmed by the support and generosity of so many of you out there.  That's why we're doing the giveaway.  So please enter.  I want to say thank you.  I can't send all of you a present, but one of you will get one!  So if you haven't already, go leave me a comment on the blog post link below.

We've sold a ton of t-shirts (we had to make a second order for some sizes), I've made and sold 12 Congolese blankets and got two more orders today (hope everyone liked them), and there is some interest in the Africa applique shirts I made.  I have loved making all these items.  I love that something I made with my own hands will help bring home my babies.  I have also been blown away by the generous donations we have been given.  Literally, people I don't even know have chosen to help my family.  Wow. Humbling.

But I look at the numbers and sometimes freak out.  I look at the pile of t-shirts on my shelf and freak out. We've done all this work and we are only about one quarter of the way to the total we will need. I know absolutely that God will provide when the need arises.  I believe with all my heart that God wants us to bring home two more girls.  But in the early hours when my brain starts to wake up and stress out, I sometimes forget.

OK, believe it or not, I feel a little better.  I guess I just needed to say all this stuff out loud.  I needed to feel sorry for myself in writing and get it out of my system.  I needed to see it right there in front of my face, even if I'm the one that wrote it--"God will provide" and "God wants us to bring home two more girls". 

I am thankful.  Haven told me I was a great cook tonight after I served him some "homemade" chocolate chip cookies (you know, the homemade kind that come in a package and are already cut into squares for you to bake).  And Manny signed "more, more" to those same cookies and then squealed with delight when I handed him another bite.  And JoJo was especially clingy tonight and didn't want me to put him down to bed.  He squeezed my neck really hard and laid his head on my shoulder.  He is the snuggliest baby ever.  He wanted a few more minutes in Mama's arms.  And Grace decorated our Christmas tree tonight and when we plugged in the lights she danced around like it was already Christmas morning.  No presents necessary, just colored lights.  And my sweet husband brought me a Dr. Pepper when he came home from running some errands.  Probably why I'm still up, but it sure hit the spot.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  Tomorrow, I am going to work on a little more joy.

Thanks for listening.

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