Friday, March 30, 2012

Cold Feet

If you see me on the street sometime in the next few weeks and you say hello, please don't be offended if I walk the way in tears.  It's not you, it's me.

Lately, I 've been crying at the drop of a hat.  A few nights ago I fell apart because I couldn't get the pictures downloaded from camera to my computer.  At church last Sunday, I cried twice before we even got to the coffee break. 

We are so close.

Closer than I can even wrap our brain around.  In less than 30 days, I will likely have 6 babies in my home.

And a couple of nights ago, suddenly, I got a very strange case of cold feet. 

I was sorting through a box of baby clothes that another wonderful Congo Mama sent to me.  As I held up each little pink onesie, each tiny little dress, I started to have a small but nagging sense of panic.  Those little dresses weren't giving me that warm fuzzy feeling that they normally would.

That little voice in my head (the one that swears a little) said "What in the H*** are we doing?" 

I'm starting to crack.  The problem is I have a very busy brain and I'm having trouble slowing it down.  At night I'm waking up over and over again.  All night my brain is making lists and schedules, going over paperwork and calendars.  So I wake up each morning exhausted from my busy night.

And then all day long my brain is a pile of unfocused emotional mush.  I think about Brian leaving, I start to cry.  I see a black baby at the store, I start to cry.  Imagine being away from Grace and the boys when I travel, I start to cry.  My students won't turn in their homework, I start to cry.  My stupid phone won't get a signal.....well you see the pattern.

It doesn't help that I am smack in the middle of the busiest month of school that happens all year: theatre competition season.  It's causing me to have guilt all the time.  When I'm at rehearsals I'm worrying about all the things I have to do to get ready for the trip and the homecoming.  And when I'm at home I feel guilty for not putting more energy into the show.

But to be honest, I just don't have any more energy to put anywhere.  I'm just one great big ball of anxiety.  I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Probably every parent getting ready to bring home a new child feels this way.  My friend Kristi and I have been sharing messages on a daily basis about how stressed we are feeling.  Kristi and her husband Joel were part of our travel group to Congo.  We spent 3 weeks together "bonding" with our kids and with each other.  Amazingly, we will be together again in just a few weeks.  She and Joel started their 2nd adoption about the same time that we were starting number 5 and 6.  I can't believe how lucky and relieved I am that we will be finishing the process together as well.

OK, I feel a tiny bit more calm now.  After all, the process is almost finished.  Our last bit of paperwork got put in the mail on Tuesday and will be in the hands of all the right people next week.  My packing list is made, I just have to squeeze it all into a suitcase and not set off the weight limit alarms. 

My feet are feeling warmer.  Those dresses are looking sweeter.  I can sort of feel their tiny little arms around my neck, their warm breath by my ear as they sleep against my chest.  

We are so close.
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