Monday, February 17, 2014

Why I Haven't Been Blogging

A friend at work asked the other day when I would be posting a new blog entry. She said she looks forward to laughing at the crazy stories I tell about my kids.  It has been a very long time since my last post. In my brain I always plan on posting at least twice a week.  So here's the scoop:

Yes, I'm too busy.  Yes, I'm too tired.  Yes, somebody's been sick.  Yes, there are a million small reasons why I haven't been blogging.  But there are two big reasons I've slacked off in the last couple few weeks.

First of all,  I've been trying really hard to be really present with my kids.

A couple weeks ago I came home to this message.  Uggggg.  A big punch in the gut for me.  I really struggle with my role as "working mother".  I don't exactly relish my time away from my kids like some moms do. For some moms work is a great escape to adult conversations and invigorating projects. But I really really miss my kids.  And apparently they miss me, too.

So I've tried to spend every minute that I am at home really soaking up my kids. I have tried to stay away from the computer.  I haven't done a thing in my shop lately.  I've been playing and cuddling and reading and chasing and trying really hard to give them lots of focus and energy.

Consequently, the second reason that I haven't been blogging is my kids are totally kicking me butt.  We are living through a really hard patch right now.  Some days it feels like someone is crying before dawn until all of them are in bed at night and every second in between.  

Things have been especially hard with Manny.  We know that all of our kids have experienced some level of early or prenatal trauma, but the effects seem most profound in our Manny-Boo. He can roll from hysterical tears to screaming rage to scratching/hitting/kicking/biting maniac.  His periods of calm are sweet and joyful and silly, but some days we're not sure we'll see any calm.

For instance, yesterday was a real doozy!  We got up and had breakfast, but he didn't want to eat what Brian had fixed and the tears started.  Then it was time to get ready for church.  Manny had flipped out the night before at bath time so we had to shower him that morning (lately he has had a sudden and severe aversion to water). So he screamed before, during, and after his very short shower.  He screamed while I lotioned him and screamed while I dressed him.  Then it was time to put on shoes.  He could only find one of the pair he wanted to wear and this sent him into another huge meltdown.  When we got to church he refused to go to his Sunday school class.  He's the only one of our kids that usually goes with no struggle.  So Brian and I went into class with him.  When he saw me trying to sneak out with Grace after a few minutes, he dropped to his face and started sobbing. 

All this excitement and it wasn't even 10:30am yet.  The rest of the day didn't get much better.

So a lot of the time that I haven't been spending with my kids, I've spent crying myself.  It's exhausting and depressing.  Some days it feels like the day will never end.  Some days it feels like my kids will never heal. Some days I'm not sure I will either. 

But then the sun shines, and we dance and sing and play drums in the driveway.  And it seems like there just might be a little bit of normal happiness in our future. 

Yes, that's Manny on the roof of my car.  Maybe our normal isn't exactly like everyone else's :)

Hope you had a little sunshine in your day! Today was better for me and Manny, too!

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