Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Stepping Back and Moving Forward

There is a girl in China that I want to adopt.  Not a hypothetical "someday maybe" girl.  A real live girl with a name that is waiting right at this very moment in a special needs orphanage in China.

I'm not sure how her picture landed on my computer, but one morning there she was, staring at me.  I certainly wasn't looking for her.  I wouldn't say it was a particularly cute picture, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  She looked a little angry and very determined.  And she was staring at me.  Intently.  Speaking to me.  "Bring me home, I think I'm your daughter".  I haven't told anyone about her.  Even Brian didn't know until a few minutes ago when I had him proofread this blog entry.

She has short cropped black hair, eyes a lot like Grace's.  She is thin, but not sickly looking.  She is about 3 years old.  She is listed as having cerebral palsy in her lower limbs, but it appears to be a relatively mild case.  When she arrived at the orphanage a year ago at the age of 2 years old she couldn't even sit up.  Now she can walk with a walker and otherwise plays like a normal looking kid.  I've watched a video of her taken at her orphanage.  She takes my breath away.

Of course I never should have watched that video, because dammit this was not what I wanted to see.  I did not want to fall in love with a picture because we simply can't adopt again. 

It's not that I don't want to bring her home.  But we barely have enough in the bank to cover postage to send a package to USCIS, let alone start a homestudy.  I don't make enough on my one teacher salary to support another kids, let alone one with a special need like cerebral palsy.  If money wasn't an obstacle, I'm not sure a social worker would approve us for another child.  I don't know if our house is technically big enough. And I don't know if Kat's accident would be an obstacle to another adoption.

So short of a miracle like winning the lottery I am devastated to say that this particular little girl will not be my daughter. Oh that is so hard to put into writing.  I thought she had another family in January, but for some reason they changed their minds and sent her file back to the big pile of special needs kids waiting for families in China.  So she will continue to live without a mama of her own, maybe for years, maybe forever.  And there is nothing I can do about it.

For my own mental health I have realized I have to step back from that thought.  So unless you are calling to offer me a job that pays $100,000 a year or to tell me that you found a Chinese child left on your front porch and you'd like to send them to live at my house, I probably won't be talking about this much anymore.  I have unsubscribed from all my child advocacy websites and turned off the daily digest on all the yahoo groups.  I can't keep running it through over and over in my head.  My heart is broken for the orphan and in a very deep way for this particular girl, but in this case it is all really beyond my control.

And I need to move forward.  I need something to throw myself into.  I don't know exactly what that looks like yet.  Obviously, I have a house full of amazing distractions, but even I, the mother of six, am more than the sum of my children.  I have to find my greater purpose.  If it is not to adopt another child then what is it?  It's not my current job.  It's not my hobbies, or clubs, or social life.

Maybe it's time to start writing that book.

I will certainly continue to blog and sew and support all of you through your many adoption journey's.  But for right now, I don't really know what moving forward looks like yet.  Hopefully, the answer to that will show up quickly.  I know, I know--all in good time.  But God and my husband will tell you I can be a real nag when I'm in a rush about something.  I'm not very good at just sitting back and waiting for things to happen. 

You might have noticed that about me.  That might be how I ended up with 6 kids in 5 years :)
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